Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Heavy heart...

I've never used my blog to really post anything sad or depressing or deeply thought provoking.  I don't know why.  I guess I just like it to be that "happy place" in my life.  So I don't want you all to think that my life is perfect...because it's not.  I have dark places too :)  But I really enjoy having a place for you all to come and just smile and laugh with me.  So  this is a one time thing... or maybe a once in a blue moon type of thing.   I just have a lot happening around me that has my heart aching...and I need to get my feelings down and out.  Excuse me for being vague...(though some of you will know where my heart is...I don't want to out certain people...ya know?) But forgive me too if this is  too much for some of you to read.  It's not explicit in nature...just my raw feelings on some topics in my life. Yeah, I hurt too sometimes! :(
I lost a close friend...through life changes. 
This actually happened a long time ago.  I'd like to think we just grew apart.  And maybe that's the main gist of it.  But they wronged me in a way that I just couldn't go on being close friends.  I couldn't continue to open up myself around them if they were going to threaten me with what they knew about me.  haha... sounds like I live a secret double life.  I don't it's just that you have best friends who you can confide in...and this particular person wasn't willing to keep that confidence any more. The trust was broken.  On top of everything huge decisions were being made in both our lives...and I don't  think we agreed with each others decisions... so we grew apart.   I know a lot of people may have looked at the way I handled the separation and thought {gasp}that's cold.  Because in a way I just cut it off cold turkey... but I had to.  That's just how I function.  I deal with the emotional break down in private.  So yes, I mourned that loss...I miss that friendship every now and again... but I strongly believe life and friendships have seasons...and this one came and went.

I lost a close friend...through death.
This one is still fresh...and I actually don't think I've really mourned because I'm still in shock...and so many questions have been left unanswered.  It's no secret either so I can be more open about it.  One of my college roommates passed away and I didn't know.  She died back in May a couple weeks after I had lil A. I just found out from one of my other roommates a couple weeks ago.  I'm numb.  We have no idea what happened...we missed the funeral... and I don't even know how to get closure.  I've been stalking her fb page and nothing... she just posted for the last time about being so busy and excited to catch up on much needed sleep...and then posts from family and friends saying they miss her... and "RIP".  I lived with this girl for over a year...and yes, we fell out of touch post  graduation...but we always had those times through the year where we'd call each other and do the big catch up.  I miss her.  I was just about to call her and have her over for the day to meet lil A and make her cook up a batch of her amazing chicken paprikash and just talk about what was new in her life.  But she's gone. Gosh, I'm going to miss her laugh... her blatent zeal at living life every day... I guess that could be my closure.  She never wasted a day of her life.  But gosh... she left too soon.  None of us know how long we have... we really don't.

I lost a friend...through having a baby. 
This is a hard subject for me because in the face of having the most amazing miracle in my life I was hurting a friend who is having trouble having a miracle of her own.  I won't go into detail on our friendship but my heart grieves.  We were closer than I thought we could ever be, but I understand the need for distance.  I pray for her all the time.  Pray that she gets her chance to be the mom I know she would be great at.  I also found out recently that her marriage isn't going well now too... and I cried...sobbed.  I can't hug my friend and tell her everything will be ok...because I know even the small contact from me would be too much for her to bear.   But if she even still reads my blog I want her to know that I mourn with her...and I'm so sorry she feels she's bearing it alone.

So there you have it...my heavy heart for all to see.  Writing it helps a little...but I know it's time that will heal it.  Thanks for reading...that helps too!

18 comments:

  1. I agree. My blog is a happy place even though my life is far from perfect. Thanks for sharing this. It does help sometimes to just release it. Those are some hard losses for you and I wish you the best as you grieve them all.

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  2. Nobody's life is perfect, but it's nice to have a blog that isn't all "woe is me" or angry venting all the time, isn't it!?

    I'm sorry about your friendship losses, I hope your 3rd friend has a miracle of her own and mends her marriage and feels better. Maybe you will reconnect later in life.

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    1. I agree on the "happy blog" idea. :) I was just reading one that I've neglected following for awhile and it's sooo angry! Had to drop them lol.

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  3. Kathy, I just want to hop on over to your house and give you the biggest hug you have ever felt. If only distance didn't separate us.

    It is hard losing people we once loved. It will never be easy. The best part is knowing that at one point in time you had them. The best of them. Sometimes that best doesn't last forever but you had it.

    I'm thinking and praying for you.

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  4. I love your "happy blog" but life is not always roses and sunshine. Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us. I am found over the years that some friendships truly grow and some do not as you reach different phases in your life. I am so sorry about the lost of your old friend and you didn't get to say good bye. I truly understand. My daughter's babysitter of 3 yrs passed away unexpectedly on December 19. I regret the fact that I never told her how important she was to my family.

    I will be thinking of you.

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    1. Sorry to hear of your loss...will be thinking of you too.

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  5. I agree with the others, I love your happy blog. This post makes you real! You have real and raw emotions and you should be able to express them. I lost a friend through marriage. Unfortunately she was waiting on a proposal and was upset when I got mine first. Prayers for you while your coping!

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    1. Thanks Danielle. Feels good to know that I'm not the only one going through such circumstances.

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  6. Oh Kathy, so sorry for all these friends that you loss through various situation. I am like you, my blog is my happy place and I try to focus on the positive but once in a while, whey you are hurting so bad, it helps to get it out.

    Thanks for sharing your real emotions with us. It hurts losing friends, people that have been close to us in many ways. I pray that you find comfort. I enjoy your happy place :)

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    1. Thanks Pegster! Your words are so uplifting.

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  7. A very real post. I started one right before Christmas but was concerned that folks might not take to it so I left it in my drafts folder.
    You have inspired me. I just might post it...with some edits of course :-).
    I hope you and your friend (loss through having a baby) can heal your relationship soon.

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    1. Yes, don't be afraid to lean on your blog friends for some encouragement. :) I've been blown away by all your words of hope and love.

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  8. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain right now. It's incredible hard losing friendships that meant so much to you. You are in my prayers.

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    1. Thanks Morgan... prayers are always appreciated.

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  9. Oh kathy I can really relate to your post. Life is not a bed of roses and we all have troubles. I actually started crying after reading your post because it hits home to me. My best friend for over 20 years is no longer my best friend and it hurts. The loss of her friendship is somethin I have been struggling with for the past several months. No matter how you lose a friend it hurts. I pray you find closure for your loses.

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    1. Aww Amy... giving you a virtual hug right now. {{Hugs}}. It is hard... somehow we pick up the pieces and move on with life. :( Praying you find a way to cope as well.

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  10. i'm so sorry for all this pain you have to go through. I pray that your friend that is looking for her own joy find it soon.

    thanks for trusting us and sharing your heart with us.

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