Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Toddler Code of Conduct: 20 Rules Toddlers Live By

So my hilarious blogger friend, Dani, recently posted about this article and it made me laugh so hard I had to repost it here with lil A's perspective.  Be sure to check out Dani's cute lil Ro and her awesome blog!!  A serious good laugh!

The Toddler Code of Conduct:
20 Rules Toddlers Live By

1. You are the family alarm clock. It is your job to wake up at the butt-crack of dawn every day.
Luckily we've been blessed with a sleeper.  For the most part Avery will sleep until we wake up.  There have been some random cases whereby he's woken up early because he was hungry...and then went straight back to sleep.  But most cases we can bring him into our room on a Saturday morning and he'll sleep in with us.  Hope it lasts!
2. ALWAYS crap your pants AFTER leaving the house. Your best bet is to clench those cheeks together until you have left your street, and then EXPLODE!!! To achieve Legend status, do this when your parent is in a huge hurry to get somewhere very important.
Haha...this is true.  Or worse... he'll choose to poop after a new diaper has been fitted in place. 
3. Do not be content doing anything for more than two minutes. You have to constantly keep moving. NEVER SLOW DOWN!
I get exhausted just watching him run around the house...upstairs and down.  The only times he stops moving is if there are snacks being brought out or if he hears a noise outside. :)

4. If you are not interested in being picked up, get as low to the ground as possible. Think dead weight. Feel free to flail and cry for added difficulty.
Hasn't started this yet.  Haha... he's a runner though.
5. If someone tries to take something from you, teach them a lesson by first throwing it, then jump up and down while making your best "oh you are going to be REALLY sorry," face, then fall to the floor and start flopping about in protest; scream and cry extra loud if you are in public.
Oh boy does he throw things.  The kid as an arm.  So much so we're considering a baseball or football scholarship.  He's thrown a handful of flailing tantrums at home and we'll both look at him afterwards like, "what was that?!"  He hasn't done it in a long time.
6. If you do not like the food that is served to you, throw it on the ground in disgust, then at your parent, then at the cat/dog. For extra credit smash the remaining food into your hair and clothes. When you are given something to drink immediately dump it in your lap.
What is this about?!  You know how hard it is to get broccoli out of those curls?! 

7. Whenever possible terrorize the family pets so they know who is in charge.
We don't have a pet...yet. I know eventually we'll get a dog.  But probably not until the kiddos are older and can help out some! 
8. NEVER EVER let your parent get the house clean. EVER! Once something is picked up off the floor, put something in its place. A good rule of thumb is dumping out the cat/dog food daily. Feel free to snack on it as well.
He knows this rule all too well!  Even if he sees me vacuuming he runs and brings toys to toss in front to see if it'll "pick it up"! 
9. You are in control of your sleep schedule. If you do not want to go to sleep, then don't, and if someone really wants you to go to sleep, then definitely do not do it. Do your best to get so tired that you become an evil miserable crying mess. That will show them!
Again, he usually just cries himself exhausted...and sleeps for hours. 

10. Always do your best to be in the way, including but not limited to: playing at your parents' feet while they are cooking, cleaning, fixing something, talking on the phone, getting ready for work, or doing anything that looks remotely important.
Cooking is physically impossible these days!  He's always between me and the counter...and if he catches me chopping anything he wants hand-outs!
11. Take ALL of your toys out of the toy box before playing with any of them. This goes for books, too -- rip all of them off the shelf before reading one. Your job is to make a huge mess. Hint: To keep things interesting, never ever play with the same toy or book for more than one minute.
Haha...the entire toy pail gets knocked over and the contents thrown about.  Then he puts it right back up and climbs inside. 

12. Under no circumstance will you make diaper changes or potty training an easy venture. If poop does not get everywhere then you have failed.
Avery is pretty calm with diaper changes.  He actually enjoys being the one to go throw away the dirty diaper.  We introduced the potty to him as well and he does a pretty good job at it.  Except when he's done...he tends to stand up and make a mad dash out of the bathroom! 
13. Every time you leave the park throw a fit big enough to make it look like you are being kidnapped. If you are lucky, this will buy you five more minutes on the slide.
This is so typical!  But I get it.  The park is fun! 

14. The minute you learn to walk, refuse to be held. Insist on walking EVERYWHERE!
Avery is pretty independent.  He'll go exploring and not have a care whether someone is following him or not.  It has me paranoid most of the time.  But I'm also happy he's growing up and not afraid to face the world. 

15. The minute you learn to talk, DO NOT STOP! Do not be discouraged if you are not understood -- talk away anyway. It is not your fault if people are too stupid to understand you.
I'm loving this phase!  He'll go on for paragraphs and all I can do is nod and say, "really?...wow!".  The one time he stopped, looked at me like I was dumb and walked away mumbling!
16. EVERYTHING in this world belongs to you. Feel free to touch it, take it, hide it, throw it, smash it, break it and completely ruin it. HINT: ALL of the telephones in the house belong to you -- store them in the toilet.
He's definitely a fan of our phones...though he hasn't tried to hide them anywhere thank goodness!  Random items like only one shoe or the remotes keep disappearing and we find them in certain toys and behind the couch...etc.  He definitely has his usual hiding spots.
Technically this was before he was a toddler...
17. Your mantra is, "Catch me if you can you silly fool."
18. "No!" means, Good job! Keep doing that!
For the most part we have to say "no" more than once.  The cutest is when he's doing something he shouldn't and we ask, "Avery, do you want a spanking?" and his response is, "no?" haha... like he's not sure at the moment. 
19. NEVER EVER do anything the first time you are asked.
Talk about testing limits!  Yikes.  Lately, it's like he doesn't even respond to his own name! 
20. And last -- the most important code of toddler conduct -- for every five minutes you spend terrorizing your parent(s), sibling(s) and/or pet(s), provide one minute of pure sweet lovin' to ensure complete forgiveness.
All he has to do he look at us and smile...or do something cute and all is forgotten! 


  1. Awww...this is just too cute! My daughter is getting to that stage (testing boundaries). It drives me up the wall sometimes! :-). But then she smiles and it melts my heart and I forget all about her being bad.


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